Those who know me best know I nearly always have “the news” going on in the background of my life. I like to be up on current events and breaking news, and I’m one of those who has to hear both sides. I wanna know what the other side is thinking and saying, and I’ll go out of my way to find out.
But the last two days, I’ve had to turn the news down or turn it off. Not because I don’t want to be up on the latest. But because Trump’s defense and surrogate defenders are SHREDDING*MY*SOUL with their dismissals, denials, and denigration of the women now coming forward with their voice-shaking stories of violation.
This is where some folks will want to come at me with, “Well, Bill Clinton did x, y, and z.” So let me assure you, I am well aware that he did, and likely even several strings of letters beyond that. I don’t doubt at all that he’s as guilty of sexual predation as Donald J. Trump. So he gets no pass from me. There is no excuse for either of them.
But I wanna talk about what’s happening to those who dare to step forward now and say, “This happened to me.”
I listened last night as one of Trump’s defenders, a female, tried to argue that what one woman claimed happened on a plane couldn’t have happened at all because … arm rests. Yes, arm rests. Then a male talking-head chimed in that it couldn’t have happened without someone else witnessing it or saying something, anything.
Let me tell you something.
This shit happens with or without witnesses, with or without being noticed or commented on, and with or without fricking arm rests in the way. And whether it went on for fifteen minutes or fifteen seconds it’s wrong, criminal, and inexcusable.
And fifteen seconds feels like fifteen minutes when you’re being violated.
Ask any survivor.
Then earlier today, I heard Trump do something even worse — if you can believe it — than calling them liars. Referring to one alleged victim in particular, I heard him say, “I mean look at her. . . I don’t think so.”
And I about threw up.
You see, one of my abusers said something similar to me. It was just a few years after the fact, we were talking on the phone and, not wanting to own up to his abuse of me, he said, “I was never really attracted to you.”
Now, since I was very much present all the times he molested me, I was as much baffled by his denial as humiliated by it. And those words of his went straight into a file in my brain labeled “cannot process THIS SHIT at this time.”
In fact, it was 20 years later before I could bring myself to admit to anyone he had said those words. And it took a wise and caring counselor-friend and confidant to explain to me that what his words had accomplished in me was precisely what he’d intended — shame and silence.
We are shamed into silence, ya’ll. From the first fondling finger to the last words our abusers and their defenders ever say to us about it. We are shamed into silence.
And I was.
For. Years.
And what’s crazy-making is I WAS THERE. I was there with him in the van, in the hot tub, and on his daughter’s bed. And I won’t lift the lid too high on the garbage pail here for ya’ll, but I can tell you… he can say to himself and anyone else who will listen that he was never attracted to me, but his erections we were both there for said otherwise. And that’s the rod of truth I get to measure his lying words by.
Nice, huh? *Blegh*
So I feel deeply and intuitively for these women now coming forward. Same as I did when Cosby’s accusers were being nipped at, growled at, and torn by wolves in news segments, talk shows, and comment sections. I feel for the mindf#@% they’re going through and will continue to be put through.
And as I mute the TV for the umpteenth time today, shake the callous, dismissive, ignorant voices I just heard from my brain, and swallow hard against another triggered gag reflex, I want ya’ll to know…
This is not okay.
This is fifty-shades of non-fictional not okay.
Photo Credit: Brittany Smith – Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?
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Lots of filth is coming out about this. This one has stuck in my mind: A woman said her attacker said “I want pussy” and she realised she was a thing not a person to him. There are female defenders of Mr Trump, but the visibility and the anger of women coming out and saying these things, and women talking of experiences with other men- all not-okay- might bring real change. As long as he is not elected. The bravery of the accusers and our love care and support for each other are beautiful.
I love the catchphrase. The cocoon is gone!
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I was there for my older cousin’s version of Donald Trump, when I was in Fifth Grade and he had been helping me with my math homework, and then he said he should “help” me do “gym homework” too, so I wouldn’t be the only girl, (he knew that I was the geek and lonely girl of my class, small town life) who couldn’t do a headstand, so he would help me with my balance by holding me, yes. There. So that, as a woman in my marriage bed, as a virgin, I still felt both dirty for my husband and like I had to hide and worry that he would not listen to me say stop either…
Thankfully, 26 years later, we are the happy ending…. kind of…
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I’m so sorry that happened to you, Jennifer. I wish this were not so commonplace, but it most definitely is. I believe we’re starting to do a better job of teaching respect for one another’s bodies, the importance of consent, and raising awareness that touching someone inappropriately is not something to minimize or ignore, but rather something to call out and be held accountable for. Thank you for sharing, Jennifer. (((hugs)))
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Laura, your writings are powerful and leave me speechless. They are a must read for all persons who have been inappropriately touched or abused. I have dealt with individuals that have committed incest, are pedophiles or sexual abusers and classify them as sociopaths, and narcissistic loser that ought to be jailed My heart goes out to you and all women who have been subjected to such behavior. In this rural 4-corners one of our larger problems is sociological domestic sexual abuse so we are well acquainted with the problem. Your writings fill me with a tsunami of emotions and disgust for sexual predators.
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Wow. That was powerful. So brave.
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Thank you, Mandi. I know you have your own story too, that you have bravely and powerfully shared as well. (((hugs))) Here’s hoping brave is contagious and that, as awareness rises, more raise their voices to say “This is not okay.”
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I so admire your courageousness! Things that MUST be said, you and others like you are willing to step up and say them. Thank you.
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They gotta be said. May as well say ’em. Thank you for your encouragement, Gloria. Every little bit helps.
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Yes, thank you for this. I was raped and molested by my grandfather from about age 7 or 8 until age 13. He was a church elder, well-respected in the community. At his sentencing trial? A gallery full of church members and the pastor all there in full support of him. Now this past week, I have seen Christians in full support of Trump, dismissing everything. I am the Preschool Coordinator at our church and I have to serve alongside so many of these defenders, and I am just at a loss of what to do and just plain weary. I just don’t get it. It has been such a dreadful week.
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Jane, that is dreadful. I can just imagine that gallery. And I feel for you, having to work alongside any of them. I sucked it up for years and stayed in the church that abused and silenced me while it supported and promoted my abusers, so I know how hard that can be. It’s a soul and psyche-splitting place to be. (((hugs))) Please take care of yourself. (((hugs)))
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I wish I could see my screen better right now. I’m blinded by so many tears. I’ve walked down many similar roads. My heart is shattered, but has found strength in your words this evening.
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Well said Laura. It is disgraceful that an election campaign for the highest office your land, and the most powerful position in all our lands, should have been like this. I am saddened beyond words that so many Americans think this stuff is OK to be associated with a Presidential candidate, let alone coming from his own proud mouth. (And yes, a former President too; as if that makes it any better.) Add to this the incitement to violence and we have a full package of abuse. Thank you for standing against it.
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Hi Laura. Thank you for sharing your story and your heart. It takes courage to stand up and say this is NOT okay, and I’m grateful you are saying just that.
I work for ForEveryMom.com, a Christian parenting site, and I would love to share this post with our readers. With your permission, we’d republish it on our site, giving you full credit as author, linking back to the original post, and including your bio and head shot. Please let me know if you have any questions and if you’ll allow us to share your post. Thank you!
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Wow! Yes, absolutely. Thank you, Mary!
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This sexual assault survivor is tired of people defending powerful men accused of sexual assault—because it s not okay.
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This sexual assault survivor is tired of people defending powerful men accused of sexual assault—because it s not okay.