Stuck on silent.
Let me explain … I grew up silent about all that was big, broken, burned, or bleeding in my life. I grew up for some reason thinking I could not, should not, tell. That telling would make me more vulnerable than my silence.
So when I first met author/speaker Mary DeMuth at a women’s retreat two years ago, my entire insides shook, and I could not speak. I was stuck on silent.
See, Mary had been booked to lead and speak at the retreat. I had no idea who she was at the time. (Sorry, Mary) I was just nestled in next to a friend and happily awaiting what I thought was gonna be my prayed for and custom ordered pleasant pep-rally kind of a session to start off the weekend.
After the first two sentences out of her mouth were about her own pot-smoke filled childhood and molestation by a pair of neighborhood teens at five, I honestly could not hear her anymore. Not over the bombs going off inside and the scurry of traumatized pieces of me running for cover.
And I was angry at God. I was there for a retreat, darn it. I was just coming out of the fog of a two week long depression. I wanted sunshine and Jesus. He was giving me cold rain and flashbacks. I wanted retreat, not to be re-traumatized.
But God. Right? And I’m here to tell you … My God is a pushy thing.
It’s okay. He knows this.
He also knows I need it. And at that moment in my life, I think He knew.
I needed to hear a redemption story that looked more like mine.
And, looking back now, I can see He was right.
I also think He tricked me into going, I think He booted me across the threshold, and I think He trapped me in the middle of the middle row so I couldn’t bolt.
But that’s another issue between the two of us.
Two years ago, I could not imagine life outside my sad, silent, and self-protective cocoon. Even though it was suffocating me, I didn’t believe there was a place for me out there. It felt more safe to suffocate than to fly.
But there was Mary, standing and speaking before me. Sharing her painful stories and yet revealing to me the redemption that had come out of it.
Holy cow. This was possible.
… … …
A private meeting and an entire year later, I sent Mary DeMuth a “You probably don’t remember me” letter. I just wanted to let her know what an impact she had made, and how God had strategically placed her to make it. I wanted her to know that scared, silent, cocoon-hanging-off-a-wall-flower girl was now sharing her own redemptive story in her Life With God bible-study group. A huge step for me.
And then she invited me to take one more step. A walk on the moon one. She asked if I would be willing to share my story as a guest post on her blog Your Life Uncaged.
A year ago today, another redemptive story, my own, was published. On my birthday no less. (God is so in those details) And I came out of my cocoon.
Lacy blue wings. I kinda like ’em. 🙂
My first practice flights did not come without consequences. I bumped into a few windows and glass doors I mistakenly thought were open and got kinda banged up and bruised. But that’s for another blog post perhaps. The bottom line, though, is that I’ve healed up, and I’m still here.
Today is my birthday. An anniversary of birth and rebirth. Of change. Of growth. Of flight.
And I’m finally ready to do some more of that flying thing.
In honor of this, as I launch my first blog and first posts, I’m also posting my Redemptive Story.
May it inspire you to share yours.
Come fly with me. 🙂
Photo Credit: 7 Themes – Cooozza
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I am so proud of you and your belief in God. I know how hard it has been for you over the past few years and it’s amazing to see how God has worked to strengthen you. Keep writing. Your Redemption story is powerful.
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Thank you, Joni. Your friendship, your endurance and authenticity in it, is one of the reasons why I’m still here. Love and appreciate you.
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Laura, was a journey the Lord has taken you on to find your voice. I’m so glad you are free! Beautiful post.
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Robin,
I can’t thank you enough for coming alongside me as you have these last two years. Your guiding and mentoring me through The Wounded Heart, your prayers, your willingness to have many a tearful breakfast at Ihop with me, are a huge part of why I’m still here. You were an up close example to me of recovery and redemption when I absolutely could not see these things for myself. You gave me hope. And I will be eternally grateful.
Dear Jesus, a few extra jewels in Robin’s crown, please. Feel free to take ’em from mine if there are any. Thank you. Amen.
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Laura, thank you so much for flying, and yes, your wings are beautiful. I have wanted to know you for a very long time, and in a small way, even though our lives don’t cross paths very much, I can get to know you here. You are lovely and you bless my life by your new found flight!! I rejoice with you. I also admire your courage. That always encourages us all!! Thanks, Laura!! BTW, you are a very good writer.
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Oh, Paula, thank you so much. I have only and ever heard good things about you. So grateful to have the opportunity to get to know you a little better through mini-church. Thank you for letting us land there.
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I’m so humbled to play a small part in God’s big redemption story. Happy birthday a day late. I am simply AMAZED at the woman you are becoming.
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And I am simply grateful. Eternally so. Thank you, Mary, for being willing to play your part. You’ve had a significant impact on my life and moving me forward in it. Please, never discount the impact of your words, your ministry.
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Mary was the guest speaker this past weekend at my church’s Women’s Spring Conference and what a blessing she was to us!!! Although my journey is very different than yours or Mary’s, I wasn’t sure what to expect and was also greatly impacted by Gods message thru her.
I look forward to reading your posts in the future. And I agree with your observation that God literally pushes us into certain situations and has such a sense of humor.
Thank you for sharing your story!!!
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So good to know our journeys don’t have to exactly match to make an impact. I guess that’s proof that it’s not the journey, but the God that’s evident in it every step of the way. I’ve had people try to talk me out of seeing Him as pushy. “Maybe try to see Him as just offering you an opportunity.” But then they happen to be with me the next time my God gives me a shove, and they change their tune. “Yeah. He’s pushy.”
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Laura, I want to wish you a HAPPY birthday — and especially a” free to fly” birthday. It took courage, plus oceans of tears and someone who understood for you to take the first step to FREEDOM. Fly, little blue butterfly, you are beautiful.
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Thank you, Ethel. Oceans is right. (((hugs)))